


Parody

by dannykkrose



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Humor, Betsy mentioned, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Logan Mentioned - Freeform, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Nudity, Ororo mentioned, Parody, Rated M just in case, don't take this seriously, please don't yell at me, this is a joke, this is a parody, various other characters mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 16:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18664189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannykkrose/pseuds/dannykkrose
Summary: This is a parody--a joke--based off the current AoX storyline.  In it, the X-men find themselves in an alternate universe where Kurt learns an important lesson about not objectifying people.





	Parody

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody. I can't stress this enough. It is a joke. This came from some frustration that @mikeellee and I have had regarding some aspects of the current AoX series. If you are loving that story, this might not be the fic for you, unless you have a fantastic sense of humor and won't get upset. This is meant as a way to blow off steam, and I certainly don't want angry comments. It's just for fun. I don't hate any of these characters. The opposite, in fact. So please read with a grain of salt if you choose to do so. If you aren't sure you can laugh at some of the stuff going on in comics these days, then this might be something you choose not to read. If you do, I hope you are able to laugh. If nothing else, I got a laugh myself and that's worth something, I suppose!

“Oh my god, Logan's dead!” someone shouted in the middle of class at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

“Nooooooo!” someone else screamed.

Ororo sighed. She'd have to give these new students a lesson on life and death as an X-Man. “Children,” she said calmly, her elegance and large boobs awing them into quiet attention. “X-Men die all the time. It's never permanent. In fact, I will wager Mr. Logan returns within the year.”

“But how is that possible?” asked a girl in the back.

“No one knows. We've had over three hundred funerals in the years I've been on the team, and there are only 25 people on the team.”

The crying turned to cheering, and soon, to betting on when he'd return from the dead.

  
  


Down the hall, Kurt Wagner emerged from a bedroom shirtless, with very tight pants. He wandered down the hall and then teleported away.

  
  


Betsy ran into the classroom, her large boobs bouncing, and said, “Beast has become evil! He's trying to kill everyone!”

“Noooooo!” the students yelled.

Ororo and Betsy took their respective boobs and went into the hall, where they found Beast, roaring and ripping up furniture. Bobby was shooting him with ice and cracking jokes, but it couldn't stop Dark Beast. Piotr was pummeling with him and speaking with a Russian accent, but it also did no good. Just then, Nate Grey appeared among them.

“This is terrible. This violence stems from love. I will create a world where there is no love and then we will all be happy!” Nate used his power to create an alternate universe, where no one could remember anything.

  
  


Nate had brought with him a random assortment of X-Men, including some who weren't even on the team. Since no one could experience any emotions, no one cared about anything. They all sat around with large boobs and didn't care about anything in the world.

“It's the Pax1...” said Kitty Pryde, the only team member who wasn't affected. “Oh my god, Kurt's got his shirt off again.”

No one looked because no one cared. Kurt began to cry. “No one is looking at my super-sexy, blue-furred body!”

Meggan flew over, her large boobs bouncing as she landed. “I only care about making movies, but I think I illegally love you, Kurt,” she said.

Kurt looked at her large boobs and said, “I think I illegally love you, too, Meggan.”

“Oh my god,” Kitty said, throwing her hands in the air. “Meggan, you're married and you have a kid. Kurt, you've slept with all the X-Women but me.”

“Did she say something?” Meggan said. “Let's have illegal sex, Kurt.”

“Okay. Let me take my shirt off. Oh wait, it's already off.”

  
  


Just then Magneto strode over, looking manly in spite of his advanced years. “Kitty, Logan has returned to us from Beyond the Grave.”

“It's about time. Does he remember anything from before this hellhole?”

“Whatever are you talking about so cryptically? We have been here forever.”

Kitty rolled her eyes. Logan ran over and tried to kill them all.

“He's gone Dark!” Kitty yelled to those around her.

Nate Grey showed up and used his powers on Logan to send him back to the 616. “He has too much love in his heart to stay here among us,” he explained to Kitty and Magneto.

  
  


Meanwhile, Kurt was sitting around naked.

  
  


Later, Kitty joined some of the other mutants in the cafeteria. “So has anyone offered you guys any weird drugs lately?”

Anole raised his hand. “Oh, me me!! I want drugs!”

“No, not do you _want_ drugs, has anyone _given_ you any?” Kitty explained.

Anole was sad. “No. Do you think someone will?”

“Maybe.”

  
  


Meanwhile, Mystique had broken into Kurt's dressing room with her large boobs. “Muahaha!” she laughed as he teleported in.

“Who are you and what do you want?” he said, ripping his shirt off.

“Stop it you idiot, I'm your mother!”

“Aw, shoot.” He put his shirt back on. “Now, what do you want, you _fiend_?”

“I'm—forget it. Look, see this kid in this picture? She's yours. Maybe. Or not. Or she's fake. But here, take this picture and worry about it for a while.”

With that, Mystique turned into a bird and flew away, leaving Kurt wondering who the child was and who the blue woman who looked just like him could possibly be. He took his shirt off and went up to the roof, where Meggan's boobs were waiting for him while attached to her body.

“Meggan,” he said. “This strange woman came into my room--”

“OH, and did you have sex with her, too?” Meggan said angrily, her boobs being large.

“What?”

“You have sex with everyone!”

“Uh....we aren't allowed to have sex here, but yeah, I do.”

“I know you love me, or I could never love you back. Because it's impossible to feel love for someone who doesn't love you back, therefore you _must_ love me and I _must_ love you.”

“You're not making sense. Are your boobs all right?”

“Oh my god they're shrinking!”

Kitty ran onto the roof beside them and pushed them aside. “Meggan,” she said, “Your boobs are fine. Kurt, that woman was your mother. Her name is Mystique. That kid isn't real. She's trying to make you realize that this world is fake and you're a manslut.”

“What?”

“Yeah, a manslut. You sleep with everyone.”

“But....they all want to see my sexy blue-furred body...”

Kitty sighed and turned to Meggan. “Look, you have a family. You don't love Kurt, and you never did. You're under a sort of spell Nate Grey has over everyone here. None of this is real.”

“Wait...I...I remember....” Meggan said. “Nope, just kidding. I only remember that I have great boobs, I slept with Kurt, and I'm very angry with him for being a manslut, except sex is illegal here and I go to a sex club every night and sleep with different men.”

“Um....”

  
  


Meanwhile, Anole woke up and saw a bottle of something on his bedside table with a note. It said, “This is a mystery drug. You should try it. Everyone is doing it. You should, too.” So Anole took the drugs and then passed out. When he woke up, he suddenly remembered his previous life.

“Oh my god, we don't live here at all!” He shouted. Other students came in and got angry at him.

“Yes we do, and if you have emotions then you don't belong here.”

“I was totally faking,” he lied. “Anyone seen Ms. Pryde?”

  
  


Kitty saw Anole running towards her and stopped. “Anole, did someone give you drugs?” she asked.

“Yes! And now I know this world is totally fake, but my friends all hate me and don't believe me.”

“Come on, we have to find Rockslide and the others who know this world is fake, like Mystique, but she could be anyone or anywhere.”

  
  


Suddenly, a bird flew down and turned into Mystique with large boobs. “I'm here, Kitty.”

“Great, let's go destroy Nate Grey's illusion using our minds.”

“How do we do that?” Anole asked.

“We just use our minds and destroy it,” Kitty explained. “There's Rockslide. Come help us!” she cried, and he came over.

“On three, everyone use your minds and destroy this terrible illusion!” Kitty cried.

The mutants struggled and soon the illusion was broken.

Meggan ran to Kitty crying. “Oh, Kitty, it's terrible! I've cheated on Brian, who I love with all my heart and soul and for whom I would literally die! He'll hate me!”

“First, you totally didn't cheat, you were mind-controlled into doing that, and he's not going to hate you. But if you tell him you slept with Kurt, he might kill _him_ , so maybe be careful about sharing that.”

“Oh, no, I already told him!”

“Wait, what? How did you—we just got here?”

“I shared it in my heart, and his heart responded because our love is pure and true, and now he's very angry!”

“I better warn Kurt. Of course, if Brian kills him, it'll be okay because he'll just build a portal and come back to life or something.”

Meggan flew off to see her husband, her boobs bouncing in the air as if independent of her body.

  
  


Everyone was getting back to normal, even Logan. He was no longer evil, nor was Beast. Everyone was acting normal, except a couple of people had died, and Charles had returned from the dead again.

Kitty looked around, pleased that Nate Grey was inexplicably gone, and her world was back to normal. Then she saw Kurt sitting on the curb, fully dressed, and looking distraught. She sat down beside him and put her hand on his back.

“Hey Fuzzy, what's wrong?” she said.

“In that other world, I realized something important. I'm a joke. I'm just a thing, an item, a body. I'm not a real man to anyone.”

“That's not entirely true,” she said. “You're someone to me. You're my best friend.”

“ _Danke_ , _K_ _ä_ _tzchen_ , but to everyone else, I am just a body to be objectified and sexualized.”

“Welcome to the life of nearly every woman.”

“This is wrong, though. No one should be treated like that. Women should be valued for more than their bodies.”

“I agree.”

“I'm sorry for being such a flirt and thinking that I should treat women like objects, too. I can't just go around kissing women whenever I want, or sleeping with them, or strutting around with my shirt off just to get ratings and sales.”

“What?”

“Uh, never mind. The point is, I've seen the light and I want to be a better person. I want to be someone worthy of love and respect, and I want to show love and respect to others. And if you will give me a chance to be better, I would be forever grateful.”

“I'd be happy to stand by your side while you make important changes in your life, Kurt.” She hugged her friend, and he hugged her back and everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.

1From the movie “Serenity” G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate or "Pax" (the Latin word for peace) was added to the air on the planet Miranda, in order to make people more peaceful. An Alliance research team found out that the Pax worked great for 99.9% of people. It was actually too effective, and the people stopped doing everything, including living.  They just sat around and waited to die. Unfortunately in a tenth of a percent (0.1%) of the people, they had the opposite reaction. They became super aggressive, and did some really horrible things that I won't mention here.  They were called Reavers.

 


End file.
